BOOYAH IN BEIJING - THE FINALE
COULD IT FINALLY BE THE FRIGGIN END OF THE " GO EAST YOUNG MAN!!! JIMITHEGREEK GOES TO CHINA" SAGA ? ?
"THIS IS THE END, BEAUTIFUL FRIEND, THE END!' - THE DOORS
YES FINALLY AFTER MORE THAN SEVEN MONTHS (OK A LITTLE PROCRASTINATION HERE) IT IS THE END! WELL ON JUNE 15 & 16 WE HAD OUR TEDIOUS COMPANY WORK CONFERENCE & SEMINARS. THE TELLING SIGN OF THE BUSINESS PART OF THE TRIP WAS ON FRIDAY WHEN THE NEW LEADER /PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY PROCEEDED TO BERATE & EMBARRASS THE NEW AND VERY PREGNANT CAMBODIA MANAGER BY CALLING HER AMONG OTHER THINGS A STUPID IDIOT. THIS IN FRONT OF ALL HER COLLEAGUES AND SENIOR MEMBERS OF THE COMPANY. IN RETROSPECT THIS WAS A PRECURSOR OF THE DYSFUNCTION AND CHAOS TO FOLLOW WITH THE HIRING OF THIS LOONEY GUY! ANYWAYS ENOUGH OF THAT LETS GET TO THE GOOD STUFF.
AFTER THIS AND TWO MEDIOCRE DINNERS AT SOME LOCAL TOURISTY RESTAURANTS WITH OUR CO WORKERS THE CHINAMAN HAD HAD ENOUGH AND WAS GETTING THE HECK OUT! HE DEPARTED BEIJING FOR HONG KONG ON SATURDAY MORNING , BUT NOT BEFORE POSING AND GIVING US ALL A FESTIVE BEIJING PHOTO OP SEND OFF!!
MAN, SO THE CHINAMAN GAINED SOME WEIGHT ON THE THE TRIP, STUFF HAPPENS! NO WORRIES THOUGH AFTER A DIET OF SIPS AND TASTES WE ALL GET BACK TO OUR FIGHTING WEIGHT!
SOMEHOW I WAS TALKED INTO TAKING THE COMPANY TOURISTIC DAY TRIP TO VISIT THE GREAT WALL AND OTHER ATTRACTIVE ATTRACTIONS! SO SATURDAY MORNING WE BOARDED THE BUS TO TAKE US TO THE GREAT WALL
IT TOOK US ABOUT ONE AND A HALF TO TWO HOURS TO GET TO THE BADALING ENTRANCE TO THE GREAT WALL. WHILE ON THE BUS I DID TRY TO GET ALL MY CHINESE COMPATRIOTS TO SING 99 BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL WITH ME BUT IT DIDN'T STICK! SO I GOT EM WITH SOME DOPEY KNOCK KNOCK JOKES INSTEAD! AFTER THE BUS PARKED , WE WERE OFF WITH OUR PERFUNCTORY TOUR GUIDE FOR A SWELTERING 20 MINUTE WALK TO GET TO THE ENTRANCE. ONCE YOU GET TO THE ENTRANCE YOUR SENSES ARE ASSAULTED BY THE PURE TOURIST TRAP ARTISANS ABOUND.
THE VENDORS AROUND THE AREA STALK & JUMP UGLY TRYING TO GET YOU TO BUY THE KITCHY SOUVENIRS.
THERE ARE ALSO VENDORS HAWKING YUCKY FOOD FOR YOU TO THROW AT THE LOCAL BEARS THAT ARE IN CONCRETE PITS. OK, OK I FELL FOR THIS ONE AND THREW THE SAD LITTLE BEARS SOME APPLE LOOKING FRUIT.
AS YOU CONTINUE YOUR WALK TO GET TO THE BEIJING BADALING BICONVEX PULLEY, YOU ARE OVERWHELMED BY A RANCID STENCH. OUR LACONIC TOUR GUIDE CLAIMED THAT THERE WAS A STINKY TOFU SHOP WHICH WAS THE SOURCE. I AM NOT SURE ABOUT THAT, AS IT STANK LIKE A SLAUGHTERHOUSE SWELTERING IN THE SUMMER TO ME NOW I KNEW WHY THE NOW WISE & KNOWLEDGEABLE CHINAMAN HAD NO INTEREST IN GOING ON THIS TOUR!
THE PULLEY ITSELF IS A BIT SCARY. IT KINDA LOOKS LIKE A CHEAP DISNEY KNOCK OFF RIDE. IT GIVES YOU A SLOW RICKETY, RAUNCHY, SMELLING RIDE UP TO THE MAIN TOURIST ENTRANCE ON THE GREAT WALL. I MUST ADMIT IT IS WORTH ALL THE HASSLE TO GET TO SEE THE WALL. IT IS A MAGNIFICENT, IMPRESSIVE STRUCTURE. TALKING WITH SOME FOLKS IT IS MUCH LESS CROWDED, QUIETER AND NICER TO DRIVE UP THE ROAD ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES TO ANOTHER ENTRANCE. THE CATCH IS THAT YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY HIKE UP ABOUT 45 MINUTES TO GET TO THE TOP/ENTRANCE. FOR ALL YOU HEATHENS WHO MAY DOUBT THAT I WAS ACTUALLY THERE, PLEASE SEE PHOTOS BELOW OF ME N SOME LOCALS!
ME AND THE HANOI COWGIRL HYDE(PRONOUNCED HEIDI!)--->
ME AND BEN KENOBE AH CHOO
AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OF THE LOOK SEE, WE SKEEDADDLED DOWN TO THE ENTRANCE DODGING THE VENDORS TO AWAIT THE BUS TO TAKE US TO LUNCH AND A TOUR OF A CLOISONNE FACTORY. OK SO NOW I AM WITH MY COLLEAGUES THE CRAZY ALBANIAN , BEN KENOBI AND MAYOR MAO. ABOUT ONE HOUR LATER WE ARE BACK ON THE BUS AND WE PULL INTO THIS TOURIST TRAP COMPLEX WERE YOU ARE USHERED THROUGH THIS PRETEND FACTORY INTO A HUGE STORE TO GET YOU YOU TO BUY THE SAME STUFF THEY HAVE IN ANY CHINATOWN OR WALMART FOR THAT MATTER! AFTER A LAME LUNCH, THE MAYOR MADE SOME ARRANGEMENTS AND GOT US A CAR TO GET US BACK TO THE HOTEL PRONTO. NOW THE MAYOR WAS WORKING HIS PHONE AND CONVINCED US TO GO TO THE FIRST CLASS SPA PLACE IN BEIJING. WE COULD GET A GOOD MASSAGE AND SPA TREATMENT AT A GOOD PRICE IN A TOP A1 CLASS JOINT. OH WELL WHY NOT!
SO AFTER 3-4 HOURS AT THE HOTEL TO REST, WE GRAB A CAB AND BEGIN A HIDEOUS TRAFFIC JAMMED TWO HOUR DRIVE TO GET TO THE EAST HAWAI INTERNATIONAL CLUB. YES IT IS SPELLED WITH ONE I, AND AS WE ENTERED THIS HUGE FACILITY, LITTLE DID I KNOW WHAT STRANGENESS WAS IN STORE FOR ME AND THE CRAZY ALBANIAN. MAYOR MAO SIGNED US IN AND WE PROCEEDED INTO THE MEN'S SIDE OF THE SPA.
WE WERE GIVEN A LOCKER KEY AND ENTERED THE LOCKER AREA. OF COURSE NO ONE SPOKE A WORD OF ENGLISH BUT I FIGURED WE HAD THE MAYOR WHO COULD BARELY SPEAK ENGLISH HIMSELF SO THAT WAS ENOUGH. WE RECEIVED PLASTIC SLIPPERS AND WENT TO OUR LOCKERS TO DISROBE. HEY THEY DONT GIVE YOU ANY ROBES ! SO HERE WE ARE WALKING AROUND NAKED WITH ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED CHINAMEN. ME AND THE CRAZY ALBANIAN WERE THE ONLY NON-ASIANS IN THE JOINT. GEEZ WE WAS BOTH WALKING AROUND WITH OUR EYES STRAIGHT AHEAD, THANK GOD WE WERE TALLER THAN MOST EVERYONE THERE! WELL GEEZ THEY FINALLY GAVE US A TOWEL THE SIZE OF ONE OF MY KITCHEN TOWELS HANGING ON THE FRIDGE! WE WENT INTO THE STEAM ROOMS. THE STEAM ROOMS, SAUNAS, WHIRLPOOLS ETC WERE ALL ACTUALLY NICE AND CLEAN. AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OF GETTING PRUNED, WE HAD A SHOWER AND WALKED BACK TO THE LOCKER AREA. WHOA, THEN IT HAPPENED, A BUNCH OF SPA EMPLOYEES JUMPED US AND STARTED TO DRY US OFF WITH THESE TINY TOWELS!!! WHEN I SAY DRY OFF I MEAN THE WHOLE BODY INCLUDING ME PRIVATES!! ME AND THE CRAZY ALBANIAN WOULD NOT HAVE ANY OF THAT THANK YOU. APPARENTLY THIS CAUSED A STIR AS WE DID NOT LET THEM DO THEIR JOB BUT THE MAYOR CAME IN AND NEGOTIATED A RESOLUTION AND GOT US AN EXTRA COUPLE OF THOSE TEENY TOWELS!!
SO NEXT ON THE PROGRAM WAS A TOUR, MASSAGE AND DINNER...OH WHAT JOY! THE PLACE WAS IMPRESSIVE. THEY HAD PING-PONG & POLL TABLES, EXERCISE EQUIPMENT, RESTAURANTS, SALONS, SPA MASSAGES, KARAOKE ROOMS ETC. YOU HAVE HEARD OF SWIMMING WITH DOLPHINS? WELL HERE YOU CAN SWIM WITH SLIMY LITTLE FISHES!! NEEDLESS TO SAY WE SKIPPED THIS PART.
I ACTUALLY WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO THE MASSAGE FOR A QUIET RESPITE AND FOR SOME RELIEF OF THE SLIGHT PAIN IN MY NECK AREA. AFTER GETTING THEM TO TURN OFF THE SCREECHING CHINESE MUSIC, THE MASSAGE TURNED OUT TO BE RELAXING AND I FELL ASLEEP UNTIL IT WAS TIME TO TURN OVER. IT WAS THEN I WAS A BIT STARTLED AS I NOTICED THE MASSEUSE HAD LITTLE AFROS IN HER ARMPITS! OYE VEY! AT DINNER THE CRAZY ALBANIAN REVEALED THAT HIS MASSEUSE ALSO HAD BIG HAIRY ARMPITS. THEY MUST HAVE BEEN SISTERS? WE HAD DINNER IN A PRIVATE KARAOKE ROOM BUT I WAS SO TIRED THAT IT WAS KIND OF A BLUR. YOU KNOW SHRIMP HEADS, CHICKEN FEET & THE SUCH. FINALLY GOT BACK TO THE HOTEL CUSSING THE CHINAMAN UNDER MY BREATH BECAUSE HE GOT OUTTA THERE JUST IN TIME! NEXT MORNING OFF TO THE AIRPORT FOR A QUICK THIRTEEN HOUR FLIGHT HOME! LET ME JUST SAY IT IS GOOD TO LIVE IN THE USA!
